9. Miraculously, you have more hair and a more chiselled chin and bigger teeth now than when you were first elected in 1972. Yet no one notices.

8. In the Iowa Caucus, more people chose Dennis Kucinich as President than you.

7. You developed a stutter as a child from all the repetition of reminding your mother to call you Joe.

6. You’ve spent two-thirds of your life in the U.S. Senate, but still can never find the bathroom in time.

5. You have a frequent-shopper card at Petsmart for muzzles.

4. You have a desk calendar counting down the days til — as you predicted — “It will not be six months before the world tests Barack Obama.”

3. When you announced your candidacy for President in 2007, you called Obama the first black “who is articulate and bright and clean.” Then when Obama offered you his V.P. slot, you promised him: “I won’t keep you out there hanging.”

2. You dropped out of the 1987 Democratic primary against Dukakis because proof emerged that you’d spent your life plagiarizing everything — except freeing Willie Horton and riding in a silly Army tank.

1. As the incoming Vice President, you say: “Nobody pays any attention to me at all.” And the quotation isn’t picked up by any newspapers.

10. Bill Clinton said the following about Terry’s wife, Dorothy: “You know I’m a sucker for her anyway. Everything she wants, I’m for. I roll for her any time.”

9. Hillary Clinton called McAuliffe an “idiot.”

8. He says Hillary does the macarena dance “beautifully.”

7. His 6-year-old son Jack drove a golf cart over Hillary’s foot and knocked her over.

6. Terry made Hillary deaf for three hours by yelling “Woo hoo!” in her ear.

5. The McAuliffes were visiting the White House while his wife was 9-months pregnant. “Wouldn’t it be exciting if it happened right here tonight?” Terry said. Bill Clinton responded: “Absolutely, I’m ready to assist with the delivery.”

4. In the 395-page book, the state of Virginia is mentioned 18 times, the word “hookers” is used once, the word “orgy” once, and he calls himself a hustler three times.

3. He was kicked out of 3rd grade, got into so many fist-fights that his nickname was “Mad Dog,” and he won the election of student body president at Bishop Ludden high school by promising free keg parties every weekend.

2. McAuliffe says Jose Canseco epitomizes unwholesome living. Yet the co-author of this book also co-authored Canseco’s autobiography “Juiced.”

1. McAuliffe writes, “Maybe I’m a little brain-damaged. Hey, that would explain a lot, wouldn’t it?”

9. Obama allows his surrogates to call Bill Clinton a racist. In comparison to Obama’s lifetime of service to the black community!

8. Sarah Palin is on the same debate stage as 36-year Senate veteran Joe Biden, and HE is the one committing the most gaffes, like mentioning a Delaware diner — that closed 25 years ago.

7. In one Obama/McCain debate, they made 23 references to a bald guy who cleans pipes.

6. Iraqi reporter throws shoes at George W. Bush’s face. He ducks, blocks, calls off late bodyguards, dares for more to be thrown, and reports that the shoe was a size 10. The only thing abnormal here is that it didn’t happen sooner.

5. Feds build six-year case against Illinois Gov. Blagojevich, alleging bribes, extortion and auctioning a U.S. Senate seat. He’s still in office. Another day in Chicago.

4. Obama premises his candidacy on anti-Hillary, anti-Bush CHANGE. Then promptly appoints a Cabinet entirely of Clinton veterans, Hillary herself, and Bush hold-overs.

3. Republicans pick nominee who won early front-loaded primaries — not because he was the top choice by any stretch, but because so many were voting for so many others, thus winning pluralities in winner-take-all states. Good news in 2012 for all the unpopular Republicans who are on the bottom of most people’s favorites list!

2. Hillary gets Secretary of State. Bill still holding out hope for Secretary of the Interior, wink wink.

1. An Alaskan named Levi Johnston rose to fame for his inability to keep his Johnston in his Levis, impregnating another high-schooler sharing his blue genes. Meanwhile, according to soon-to-be Grandma Palin, Obama is the bad guy “pallin around with terrorists.”

9. “Marley & Me call Joe the Plumber.”

8. “The Curious Case of Benjamin Hussein Button.”

7. “Valkyrie: Tom Cruise plots to kill Hitler, and other sweaty nightmares of Pat Buchanan.”

6. “Bedtime Stories from Chappaqua.”

5. “F*** Yes F*** Man” (The story of Blagojevich)

4. “The Tale of Despereaux from Camelot, Caroline Kennedy.”

3. “The Year the Stock Market Stood Still.”

2. “The Spirit of William F. Buckley, Mark Felt, and other Deep Throats who died in 2008.”

1. Double feature of the rise and fall of Bill Clinton: “Slumdog Millionaire” followed by “Quantum of Solace.”

10. “… and all through the White House, not a creature was stirring, except the shoe-throwing mouse.”

9. “… and all through Blagojevich’s big hair, not a creature was stirring, except surveillance wires the FBI hid there.”

8. “… and all through the airport restroom, not a creature was stirring because Larry Craig waged a sit-in strike for more toilet stall foot room.”

7. “… and all through the meetings with Ayers, Rev. Wright, Blagojevich and Rezko, not a creature was stirring — at least not one named Barack Obama, because he said so.”

6. “… and all through Iraq, all the creatures were stirring as shoes flew off the store rack.”

5. “… and all through California’s Prop 8, Jerry Brown was flip-flopping himself for a date.”

4. “… and all through Emanuel’s menorah lights, Chicago snitches prepared to throw Rahm in the slammer for eight crazy nights.”

3. “… and all through O.J. Simpson’s jail, The Juice was looking for ‘the real killers,’ at a white girl magazine sale.”

2. “… and all through Gitmo, not a creature was stirring, because their lawyers were on ‘Geraldo.’”

1. “… and all through Bill & Hillary’s bed, not a creature was stirring. Period.”

9. Bill Clinton: For Hillary to be history’s most world-traveling Secretary of State.

8. Rahm Emanuel: A subpoena-free dreidel.

7. David Axelrod: His two front teeth not being wire-tapped in Blago-gate.

6. Sarah Palin: For people to stop singing “I saw mama kissing Santa Claus” every time she runs into John McCain.

5. Obama’s Cabinet: A 53 percent White Christmas.

4. Sarah Palin’s pregnant teenage daughter: For her fiancee, Levi Johnston, to stop jingling all the neighborhood girls’ bells.

3. Rudy Giuliani: Being Rudolph the Red-Nosed N.Y. Senate appointee.

2. Joe Biden: A stocking full of gaffes.

1. Larry Craig: Flushable mistle toe.

10. Inaugural theme: “Hope we can believe in — except for __your name__.”

9. Obama’s spokesman Robert Gibbs begins all televised press briefings by flicking you off.

8. City Council passes zoning ordinance banning you from the Washington Mall.

7. Rick Warren’s benediction begs God to give you hellfire and brimstone.

6. Your seats are reserved for wherever the marching band will be rehearsing their stomps.

5. New YouTube channel devoted to clips of White House staff egging your house.

4. Each door of White House advent calendar opens to a different fact that they hate about you.

3. Inaugural speech concludes with “God bless America, minus __your name__.”

2. Agenda for first 100 days in office: Bury you in Blagojevich’s hair.

1. Congress passes bailout plan for everyone but you.

9. Your codename: “Shoe Schlub.”

8. Bodyguards in talks with Blagojevich to buy a U.S. Senate seat for pair of Reeboks.

7. They rehearse throwing shoes at you in the mirror.

6. They discuss how inauguration day will be here soon, and then they can go to work again.

5. On the ballot, they always write-in Shoeless Joe Jackson.

4. Before speaking from the podium, they remind you not to duck when stuff is thrown at you.

3. Whenever you leave the White House, they shout “Target is in position!”

2. Instead of an applause sign, they hold up a sign that says “Pull!”

1. Like Monica Lewinsky was to Clinton, you are a “two-point buck.”

10. Your speech is interrupted by: “Death to America, and Converse sneakers!”

9. Blagojevich’s shoes issue a press release that they’ll never resign.

8. Your poll numbers are higher when you’re wearing designer pumps.

7. Press conference breaks out into questions about the price of Nike stock.

6. As lame duck President, you’re only invited to poetry readings about the lady who lived in a shoe.

5. Secret Service stand around making catty remarks about how someone’s shoes were “so last season.”

4. Russian war ships headed for Cuba detour at Manolo Blahnik outlet.

3. White House habberdasher fits your face for size 10 shoe.

2. Airport security awarded presidential medal of freedom for disarming feet better than the President’s bodyguard.

1. Audience member dragged out screaming “Don’t shoe me, bro!”

10. You tell your kids that Santa’s not coming this year because daddy wouldn’t make him a Senator.

9. Your voice mail greeting is: “Leave a message after the beep, and I’ll return your call when I’m back from prison.

8. Rahm Emanuel’s Hannukah card says “Enjoy your eight crazy nights in the slammer!”

7. The Daley Machine tells you it’s out of order.

6. Your wife compliments your performance in bed as the best she’s ever had by an ex-Governor.

5. At the mall, Santa Claus jokes that you can buy his seat for a couple million.

4. State legislators sound surprised when you answer the phone.

3. The reindeer landing on your roof look an awful lot like FBI informants.

2. It flows off the tongue to call yourself “Private citizen and incarcerated felon Blagojevich” instead of “Illinois Governor and imminent felon Blagojevich.”

1. Whenever you leave the Governor’s mansion, Obama is outside chanting for “change we can believe in.”